Frankly, that’s just rude
The secret diary of a menopausal gardener
I’ve reached the inescapable conclusion that the gods of gardening and the gods of menopause have been talking behind my back. Not casually. Not in passing. I’m talking meetings. Agendas. Possibly a shared Powerpoint titled ‘The Manic Botanic: Consequences’.
Because this - gestures wildly at everything - does not feel like coincidence.
Somewhere in the celestial realms, the gods of gardening are clearly disgruntled. Perhaps it’s because I killed two-thirds of a lavender hedge this year, despite lavender being famously indestructible and me having no valid excuse. Perhaps it’s because last year I managed to kill a wisteria without even trying, which, given its tough nature, should be considered worthy of an award. But maybe the gods don’t agree. Or maybe it’s because I murdered a patch of supposedly indestructible mint twenty-five years ago, an act so unnatural it’s echoed through time and space. Whatever the reason, a grievance has clearly been lodged.
And so, I imagine a Zoom call was scheduled. Cameras on. The gods of gardening aired their concerns. The gods of menopause listened gravely. Notes were taken. And then, as some kind of punitive measure, it was decided that I should be gifted the latest circle of menopausal hell: frozen shoulder.
Now, I’m aware that menopause is a lucky dip of symptoms and that no two women experience it the same way. And frozen shoulder isn’t exclusive to menopausal ladies, but apparently, we’re highly favoured recipients. I just simply don’t believe this was a clerical error though. Giving frozen shoulder to a gardener isn’t an accident….it’s targeted. It’s like giving hot flushes to the woman living in the desert instead of the one above the Arctic Circle who would find an internal heating system to be a genuine asset. It’s like giving insomnia to the mum of toddlers, who has to be up and at it all day long, instead of the woman who works night shift. It’s inefficient. It’s illogical. And frankly, it’s just rude.
So yes, I’m disgruntled. Disgruntled with the gods of gardening for holding a grudge. Disgruntled with the gods of menopause for accepting the brief. And deeply unimpressed that the chosen punishment is one that hinders me when doing the very thing I love, and which can apparently take a casual year or three to resolve. If this is divine justice, I’d like to file an appeal.
Photo: He looks nonplussed (presumably with me).
Did you know?
Plants don’t just grow leaves anywhere and hope for the best. They actively angle and reposition them to catch the most light, avoiding shade, overcrowding, and general leaf-on-leaf chaos. This clever behaviour is called phototropism. Basically, your plant is constantly rearranging its furniture for better sun. 🌿
What to do in the garden this week
Northern hemisphere
🌿Indoors or under cold frames: start seeds of tomatoes, peppers and early annuals.
🥔Chit early potatoes (let them sprout) in a cool, light place.
🧅If the ground is workable, plant onions and shallots in well-drained soil.
🪻Deadhead spent hellebores to keep the clumps looking tidy.
📝Plan your garden: draw up planting plans for early seeds, vegetables and flowers.
Southern hemisphere
🌲Prune summer flowering shrubs after flowering to maintain shape and encourage strong growth next season.
🌹Roses: remove any dead or diseased stems, but avoid major pruning until winter.
🫛Sow autumn crops like spinach, lettuce, kale, radish, and silverbeet.
🌿Soil care: avoid heavy digging if your soil is very dry or baked. Add a layer of mulch to protect soil from heat and to reduce watering needs.
🌱Collect seeds from summer flowers and vegetables.
What’s new in Behind the Garden Gate?
🫛Garden to Table: this week it’s all about why food matters more than I thought it did. It’s not medical advice, nor a pushy directive on how you should eat. It’s a detailed outline of how I came to the realisation about how much food affects the way we feel, our overall health, and how my greenhouse plays a big part in the whole shebang.
💲Earn an income from your garden: this week I provide a progress report. A real, honest update on how making money from my garden is going for me.
📷Snapshot shed: As usual, more photos to inspire your garden design.
If you’d like to sign up to Behind the Garden Gate to access the growing library of plant knowledge, garden humour, cheat sheets and even how to monetise your garden, open this newsletter fully by clicking the link at the bottom of the email. It’ll show a sign-up button right below this sentence. Anyone who signs up using an annual membership gets a free copy of my design guide emailed within 24 hours. Or if you’re not sure and just want to try it out, it’s $5/month and you can cancel anytime. So have a look and see if it’s for you. No obligation to continue, and no Dear John letters required if you want to opt out.
A view of my summer garden
