Deeply unsuitable language for a lady
I like to think of myself as a reasonably well-mannered person. Not excessively refined, perhaps, but certainly capable of conducting a polite conversation without alarming anyone or causing small children to burst into tears. I understand the general expectations placed upon a lady in society, and for the most part, I try to uphold them.
But I feel I must discuss the all-important topic of cursing. There are, of course, certain situations in life where cursing simply isn’t appropriate. One must maintain one’s standards, one’s composure and a sense of dignity befitting a reasonably civilised adult. For example, it’s widely accepted that one would never have sworn when addressing Queen Elizabeth II. Nor should one swear when chatting politely with one’s grandmother over a cup of tea and biscuit. And, as a general rule, it’s also frowned upon to unleash a string of expletives while speaking to one’s boss, unless one is actively seeking a career change.
However….
There are moments - rare, but powerful - when even a lady must abandon decorum entirely. Moments when language must rise to meet the occasion. Because there are some feelings that simply cannot be expressed with “oh dear” and a tight smile. And these moments, rather inconveniently, tend to occur with some frequency in the garden.
Take, for instance, the laying of rock edging - hardly a calming, meditative undertaking. And when one fails to remove one’s finger when dropping an excessively large rock on top of another excessively large rock, a sharply delivered expletive is not only appropriate, it’s medically necessary.
Or consider the aftermath of one of nature’s many excesses. One steps outside after a massive downpour, hot choccie in hand (because coffee is🤢), praying one’s garden has survived, only to find the prize dahlias as flat as pancakes. This isn’t a moment for restraint. This is a moment for enthusiastic expression.
Then there are acts of betrayal. For example, when one’s otherwise beloved dog breaks into the greenhouse, launches a high-speed pursuit of the cat through the carefully planted beds, tramples the marigolds, flattens the basil, and knocks over the tomatoes like a furry wrecking ball with no regard for human emotion. It’s at this point that one may find oneself using language that would, in other contexts, be considered deeply unsuitable for a lady.
There are also those moments that begin with confidence and end with consequences. Such as when one is rotary hoeing with great enthusiasm, feeling productive, capable, unstoppable - until one accidentally discovers, in a very direct and irreversible way, the exact location of the drainpipe outside the bathroom. This is, quite clearly, a situation that demands a robust and immediate verbal response.
We must also address the matter of dogs and ornamental pears. Not real pears, mind you. Not the juicy, edible sort. No. Small, rock-like imposters that serve no obvious purpose other than to be consumed in bulk by a dog with questionable judgement. The kennel aftermath requires a level of emotional processing that polite language simply cannot accommodate, “Oh, FFS dog! How on earth did you get poo THAT far up the wall? Are you a gymnast?!”
And finally, the situation most befitting the foulest of foul language….the day one knocked a carefully restored antique gate onto the concrete floor of the shed, cracking it in several parts and necessitating a sheepish admission to The Dad, and further restorative procedures to be required. That day? Even The Husband’s eyes watered at the tirade of expletives that flowed with force and ferocity from one’s mouth, notably followed by the stamping of feet and throwing of garden hats. One uses the plural for ‘hat’ because it got picked up and thrown a second time. Obviously. One is, after all, a red head.
The fortunate thing, of course, is that on a two-acre garden tucked into a ten-acre property, one may express oneself quite freely. And even if the neighbours do hear, most of them are farmers. Which means they not only understand - they’ve almost certainly said worse.
So yes, there are times when cursing isn’t appropriate. But there are also times when it’s not only appropriate - it’s essential.
And if ever there were a place that calls for the occasional, heartfelt, thoroughly justified outburst…
…it’s the garden.
Did you know?
Black walnut trees have a bit of a reputation for being quietly ruthless. They produce a chemical called juglone, released through their roots, leaves, and decaying debris, which seeps into the surrounding soil and can suppress the growth of nearby plants. This charming bit of botanical sabotage is known as allelopathy. In other words, while you’re out there carefully spacing your seedlings and wishing everyone well, the walnut is busy poisoning the competition. The plant world has its own undercover saboteur. Eat your heart out James Bond.
What to do in the garden this week
Northern hemisphere
🌼Plant summer flowering bulbs like dahlias and lilies. If you live in an area prone to late frosts, keep some frost cloth handy for new dahlia foliage, which is frost tender.
🌿Stake like your life depends on it! Anything that’s going to grow tall, start staking now rather than waiting until it’s too late. It’s much easier to add support to tall dahlias, for example, when the first shoots are just coming out of the ground. It’s much harder to do it later without damaging the plant. Staking now avoids disappointment later.
🍅 Start tender crops indoors: tomatoes, courgettes, pumpkins, beans.
🥕You can direct sow hardy crops: carrots, spinach, lettuce, radish, peas, beetroot.
🥔Plant onions, shallots and early potatoes.
Southern hemisphere
🌿An organic way to improve soil over winter is to sow green manure crops now (mustard, lupins, oats). Before they go to seed, you chop them down and dig them in to the soil, adding much needed nutrients for your next spring planting.
🍂Do you leave the leaves, or rake them up? If there are a lot of leaves falling on your lawn, you may want to rake them up to prevent dead patches of grass, but otherwise I just leave them all where they fall. In the garden beds, leaves break down and add to the topsoil. Over the years, this can greatly enhance texture and drainage characteristics of the topsoil. One of my first garden beds has had a decade of leaves falling on it, and is now a much easier, more friable soil to work with. If you prefer to rake them up, you can put them all in a heap to compost down for a year or two, creating ‘leaf mould’ which is also an excellent way of using them to improve the texture of your topsoil when you put it back on your garden beds. Chop up any large, thick leaves with the lawnmower before adding to the pile. They’ll break down much faster.
🌷Plant spring bulbs such as tulips, daffodils and hyacinths. You’ll thank yourself when spring rolls around.
Photos: Glorious autumn colour in my garden this week
What’s new on Behind the Garden Gate
🍄🟫Nitty Gritty: this week it’s all about compost. Compost isn’t complicated but there does seem to be a common misunderstanding about what it’s for and how to use it.
🍅Garden to Table: this week it’s all about how I plan my vegetable planting scheme in the greenhouse. You might be quite surprised.
📷Snapshot Shed: this week I’ve added some photos showing beautiful autumn colour in my garden. If you told me I could only have evergreen or deciduous trees, but not both, the decision would be easy. Deciduous all the way! I would NOT want to miss out on the annual autumn colour display.
As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, I’m in the process of migrating my articles to Substack. It’s so much better set up for publishing this type of content, and I also think probably a much better user experience for you too. The articles I publish arrive straight to your inbox rather than you having to make an effort to head onto my members-only page to find the content. It’s just easier on Substack. I’ve realised that now, and so I encourage any of you who would like to receive my content in that way to head over and subscribe over there. I have free and paid options. Free subscriptions give you my free Sunday newsletter each week plus all the photos and notes with little tips and guidance that I add to my feed every day. Paid subscribers get all that, plus two additional articles each week with much deeper dives including garden knowledge, design tips, plant care advice, the odd recipe, and a bit of humour. You’ll find me as The Manic Botanic on Substack - not Behind the Garden Gate.
Photos: I’m very pleased with my autumn garden this year, and one of the reasons for that is Amaranthus Crimson Fingers. I’ve planted it in repetitive drifts along my flower borders. The burgundy colour punch has made all the difference to the visual impact of my garden. It’s a bit alien-like, but I love it for both its colour and form. It readily self-seeds so I’ll never be needing to buy these plants again. I just weed out the ones I don’t want and transplant them around to places I do want them.